Carry On

Lately I can't feel anything but loneliness. I've been feeling sorry for myself for not being able to get over stuff that has happened to me. But let's face it, falling in love is, in deed, one of the greatest things that can happen to you. Of course it makes you feel miserable some times, but the feeling you get is at least overwhelming and amazing. Although, there's a common complication, as I've started saying, to not be able to get over it. That's exactly what's happening to me. I've tried, and I've met some people that could've helped me to do it, but some way or another it hasn't worked out and I've ended up going back to that one person I know will always be there for me, despite it isn't right or possible for us to ever be together.

Sometimes I feel very unlucky, because since he crossed my way I haven't felt anything like that again. But some other times, I feel like the luckiest person in the world, because thanks to having that feeling I know I'm alive and I know it's been worthwhile to put up with all the shit that has happened to me. There are lots of worse things that could happen and haven't.

Above all, I am still young, as a friend told me, and I've got plenty of time to find someone that makes me feel the same way, but even better, because it would be possible and won't have misery around it. Even when I re-read this I will think it sounds naive, but it's faith and expectations what keeps us all alive. So I'll do whatever is in my hand to fulfill my life's purpose (the one I've decided to be) and stop wining so much. Life is short, and we're young for an even shorter time. 

So be it. 

Miedo, mucho miedo.

Vivir es duro. Muy duro. Siempre hay que volver a levantarse, porque la alternativa da miedo. Mucho miedo. Padezco de lo que se llama "miedo a la inmensidad". No puedo meterme en el océano si el agua me cubre más allá del cuello. Simplemente me entra un ataque de pánico. Esa misma sensación es la que tengo cuando pienso en la muerte. Noto como el corazón se me acelera, como me quedo sin aliento y como ya estoy entrenada, distraigo mi mente con cualquier pensamiento absurdo. Todo con tal de olvidarme de que soy mortal.

A veces me pregunto qué sentido tiene preocuparse por la salud. Por qué comer sano y no beber ni una gota de alcohol si eso te va a hacer todo más dificil. Sí, vivirás más, pero peor. No soy una persona de vicios. Alguno tengo, pero bastante inocentes diría yo. Sin embargo, a veces me tengo que evadir de la realidad. Últimamente diría que casi todos los días. Por eso me pregunto, ¿qué sentido tiene seguir con tu vida cuando no te proporciona la felicidad que necesitas? Nos engañamos una y otra vez pensando que si hacemos esto o hacemos lo otro será mejor. Pero a cada día que pasa se hace más complicado. Aún así, como ya he dicho, no tiro la toalla porque la alternativa es peor, mucho peor y da miedo, mucho miedo.

LIVE. BE HAPPY. DIE.